Thursday, 11 September 2008

Box Office/Theatre Jargon.

Admin: Not entirely sure where this is.

Punters: A term of endearment reserved for customers.

D'ya wannit or not ? Customer service spiel.

Identity Tags: A violation of staff civil rights unless worn by backstage crew in which case they look cool.

Method of Payment: Various, including on one occasion a Boots Voucher because the Punter didn't have enough cash.

Seat Allocation: Depends on the mood of the clerk.

Subscribers: Over pompous crowd who think they own the place or at least the seat they're sitting in.

The Ghost of Christmas Past: Much loved ancient doorman who lurks in shadowy corners, appears from nowhere and jangles keys.

House Managers: Front line Royalty. May be observed descending the Dress Circle stairs like the King of Spain in a penguin suit. Fred Astaire meets Shrek depending who's on duty.

Stage Door Man: Never been seen without a copy of The Sun or ability to say; ' finishes 'bout 10,' without looking up.

May I help ?: Don't be fooled.

Backstage Tour: Reserved for people with one leg shorter than the other due to gradient of the stage.

INT: Not the name of urban, gritty, support band but in fact shortened version of the word Interval.

Poignant: Over used word to describe the latest tawdry, middle class drama.

Box Office Counter Window: Installed to protect the customer from the cashier. (Nasty incident that...)

Rat: Computer jargon for mouse that won't behave.

Call Centre: Day room serving beverages, toast and anything else you can 'borrow' from the fridge. Negotiations on Rota shifts made whilst putting the world to rights; and the occasional phone answered.

'It's like an oven in 'ere!' Call center mantra.

Dressing Rooms: Hallowed Corridor of Fame and therefore not for the likes of lowly box office clerks.

' I can't go on! ' Call center mantra rather than Thespian with stage fright.

Staff: Box Office Clerks disguised with clipboard skulking in Hallowed Hall of Fame.

Lifts: A place to spend a quiet few hours whilst mechanics work slowly to get you out.

Cash Office Hatch: An area to congregate and order ice-cream whilst waiting for change.

Phonetic Alphabet: IE: Yes, I have two seats on row L, that's L for Lettuce.

Usherettes: Mysterious breed and not to be trifled with.

Cloak Room Attendant: Even scarier than Usherettes.

Stalls: Area of house where general theatre goers are happy to sit as long as it's nice and central, good seats, 'I want the best.'

Dress Circle: Area of house where punters wish to see and be seen. A social statement unrelated to viewing the performance.

Upper Circle: Area of house where overflow of dress circle punters find themselves amidst gnashing of teeth, rather than miss out all together.

Balcony: Area of house where serious theatre goers will sit to watch anything and everything. The die hards' who are genuine performance lovers and therefore much appreciated.

Booking Fees.( bfees): The scourge of customers and box office alike.

P.O.P.S. or C.O.B.O.S. Property of Persons or Care of the Box Office. Where punters opt to have tickets held for collection just so they can phone again to make sure that the tickets are held and not lost or put away somewhere or been posted to the wrong address! ' It's just that I checked my diary and I've booked so many things that I can't remember what I've done...(infuriating, gushy laugh,)...So, I just thought I'd ring, (again) but you seem quite confident that they are there waiting for me so I'll take your word on that...'(breathing rather too quickly now and turning into panicky pigeon.)

Marketing Department: Used to be one bloke with a pen but is now well oiled machine bent on world domination. Full of James Bond type characters wearing smart clothes and carrying moggies.

Box Office: Last Bastion of Independence. An Island surrounded by bureaucratic, marauding sharks. We will never surrender nor will we fire before we see the whites of their eyes. ( See Carpe Diem.)

Theatre: A public building designed for the performance of plays which should be open to ALL regardless of their cultural or economic background.

1 comment:

  1. Hey - can I "work" in that call centre - tea, toast and an occasional phone call - sounds great!


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