Sunday, 31 October 2010

The Arms of Mater.

I kneel before you and we both laugh in the struggle that ensues as minutes are spent forcing fresh socks onto stiff, twisted feet only for them to be soaked again in the effort required to stand.

Your face says it all.

Bless you.
It's not your fault.
Sit down, we'll try again.

The underwear's a challenge
but with one deft move and a little co-operation - your arms do seem to have a mind of their own, (at least some part of you does,) - a little manipulation and snap!
We're in business.

I just need a minute...

Now then, what about these trousers?

I hold them up and contemplate the next crucial move.
Climbing the north face would be easier.
Let's take it one leg at a time.

OK. Can you lift your foot - no, this one. Well done.
Take your time, there is no rush.
We have all day.

Your eyes beseech mine in frustration and it's all that I can do to hold back the swell of
A tidal wave of pain threatening to wash us both away.
I dam the cracks and smile instead,
All is not lost
Not lost.

Right, now this leg.
Steady, hold onto me,
Don't worry, I won't let go.
I'll never let go.

Your bony fingers grip mine, clinging on for dear life as
I must have clung to you once and no -
The irony has not gone unnoticed,
it's just too much to deal with right now.

Are you ready, arms up!

Alright, let's do it your way, half way is better than no way at all.
I'll pull your fingers through and the rest...should...follow.
That's better, almost there.

Where on earth did I put the shoes?

It's all very well you sitting there smiling,
what have you done with them, you rascal?
Ha! Here they are, you can't fool me.
Not anymore.

Shall we try standing again?

Put your arms around me and we'll go on three.



I know, I know,
If we could only peel back the years eh?
I think you'd find that
this is no more than
you have already done...

for me.

Saturday, 23 October 2010

The Customer's Revenge.

(On the phone.)

Hello, yes - I'd like to make a complaint please.

OK. Could you tell me a little bit more about the nature of the complaint.

What was that?

I said can you tell me what the complaint is concerning so that I can put you through to the correct person?

You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you.

Can you hear me now - is that better!
(Adjusts volume.)

No, still can't hear you - just a minute!
(Line goes quiet.)
I've put you on hands free, see if that works.

Right. You were saying you wanted to make a complaint, what was the complaint about?

It's no good I still can't hear you, you'll have to shout!

(Hears lots of people laughing in the background on the other end of the line.)

I rang yesterday and tried to speak to someone about a booking but they kept saying they couldn't hear me so I thought I'd prove a point about how frustrating that was and now I have.
(Line goes dead.)

Thursday, 21 October 2010

May I Help?

Yesterday a lady took great pleasure in telling me she was no friend of our theatre if we were going to charge a booking fee on tickets.

'It's positively retrograde of you!' were the exact words she spat from a perfectly formed cosmetic pout.

Ironically, I agree with her which is why I bent over backwards to appease whilst charging her said amount at the same time. There was no gratitude shown for the service she'd received and her displeasure was most definitely punctuated by the aggressive high-click stab of heels crossing the foyer in angry departure.

My next customer was a young man training to be a primary school teacher. He wanted to book tickets for the ballet as a gift for his girlfriend of two years, he didn't have his student I.D. with him and no cash, only a card. I gave him the discount without batting an eye and forgot to charge him a booking fee too.

Life can be like that sometimes don't you find?

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Take Your Seats!

Just thought I'd say a big warm official welcome to those of you who have recently joined us here at the Box-Office! Please take your seats ladies and gentlemen, the performance will begin in three minutes, that's three minutes - thank you!
The performance is about to begin please make sure all mobile phones are switch off. Latecomers will be seated at the earliest opportunity - Enjoy the show!

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle Dazzle 'em

Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it

And the reaction will be passionate

Give 'em the old hocus pocus

Bead and feather 'em

How can they see with sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?

What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?

Razzle razzle 'em

And they;ll never catch wise!

Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous

Row after row will crow vociferous

Give 'em the old flim flam flummox

Fool and fracture 'em

How can they hear the truth above the roar?

Throw 'em a fake and a finagle

They'll never know you're just a bagel,

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll beg you for more!

Friday, 15 October 2010


Now what are you doing?

I'm just having a quick look at Twitter.

Aren't you supposed to be outlining that sitcom pilot?

Well, yeah...I sort of have.

Oh, right, let's have a look then, is it in this file?

Hum, needs polishing, I'll show you later.

Why have you got hand written notes all over the back of invoices? I can't make head nor tale of what's happening or who your characters are.

It's still a work in progress - ooh, listen to this, someones just posted a really good joke -

STOP right there! Have you heard yourself! Who cares if someone you don't know has posted some daft joke or what his sister's uncle's dog's called, you're supposed to be cracking on with this script. You've just spent good money on software you told me you couldn't live without and then the minute it's installed you lose all interest! I don't understand you, you say you want to be a writer and then spend all your time avoiding writing by wiling away precious hours on this page and that page chatting and tippy-tapping away like some kind of demented woodpecker! What is that all about?

It's called networking. I could write a brilliant script, the best script ever written in the history of film and television and it wouldn't mean diddly unless the right person read it so I'm networking, you know, getting my name out there, ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing, that kind of thing.

Oh, well, excuse me! I had no idea that reading jokes on Twitter was considered wheeling and dealing. I do dig your garden and go to the foot of our stairs with wellies on, my goodness me and to think I accused you of time wasting. Had I known I was in the presence of industrial greatness in my own living room I would have worn sunglasses before entering. So, these friends you say you've met, been round for tea have they?

Don't be ridiculous, you know what I mean. Technology today is amazing and our ability to connect with people on the other side of the world at the click of a mouse still blows me away. You won't believe the amount of like-minded souls I've hooked up with, all scribbling away somewhere in the world -

They're not though are they? They're no more scribbling away than you are because the soft twits, tweet-tie-birds, whatever you want to call them are all perched on a line twittering and getting nothing done. The only craft they or you are mastering is the art of chirpy- chirpy-cheep-cheep. Now what are you doing?

I've had enough of your insults for one day, I'm going to bed.

You going to cuddle up to your lap-top are you, should be cosy, and will your friends be popping in for a chat too? Tell them to bring some milk because I just had the last in my tea.

You know what your trouble is don't you?

Enlighten me please, I shan't sleep otherwise.

You have'Raison d'ĂȘtre'

That may be but cometh the hour you'll be panicking because you don't have a script ready where as I have no problems when it comes to ordering classic french cuisine - Goodnight.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010


Finally succumbed to the idea of Twitter and must say that so far have 'met' many like-minded comrades on the road to discovery as well as being delighted to bump into a few good friends from the blog too. You can find me here, there or on Facebook just click on the links down the left side column and never fear, Boxofficegirl is always on duty wherever she is!