Friday, 15 October 2010


Now what are you doing?

I'm just having a quick look at Twitter.

Aren't you supposed to be outlining that sitcom pilot?

Well, yeah...I sort of have.

Oh, right, let's have a look then, is it in this file?

Hum, needs polishing, I'll show you later.

Why have you got hand written notes all over the back of invoices? I can't make head nor tale of what's happening or who your characters are.

It's still a work in progress - ooh, listen to this, someones just posted a really good joke -

STOP right there! Have you heard yourself! Who cares if someone you don't know has posted some daft joke or what his sister's uncle's dog's called, you're supposed to be cracking on with this script. You've just spent good money on software you told me you couldn't live without and then the minute it's installed you lose all interest! I don't understand you, you say you want to be a writer and then spend all your time avoiding writing by wiling away precious hours on this page and that page chatting and tippy-tapping away like some kind of demented woodpecker! What is that all about?

It's called networking. I could write a brilliant script, the best script ever written in the history of film and television and it wouldn't mean diddly unless the right person read it so I'm networking, you know, getting my name out there, ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing, that kind of thing.

Oh, well, excuse me! I had no idea that reading jokes on Twitter was considered wheeling and dealing. I do dig your garden and go to the foot of our stairs with wellies on, my goodness me and to think I accused you of time wasting. Had I known I was in the presence of industrial greatness in my own living room I would have worn sunglasses before entering. So, these friends you say you've met, been round for tea have they?

Don't be ridiculous, you know what I mean. Technology today is amazing and our ability to connect with people on the other side of the world at the click of a mouse still blows me away. You won't believe the amount of like-minded souls I've hooked up with, all scribbling away somewhere in the world -

They're not though are they? They're no more scribbling away than you are because the soft twits, tweet-tie-birds, whatever you want to call them are all perched on a line twittering and getting nothing done. The only craft they or you are mastering is the art of chirpy- chirpy-cheep-cheep. Now what are you doing?

I've had enough of your insults for one day, I'm going to bed.

You going to cuddle up to your lap-top are you, should be cosy, and will your friends be popping in for a chat too? Tell them to bring some milk because I just had the last in my tea.

You know what your trouble is don't you?

Enlighten me please, I shan't sleep otherwise.

You have'Raison d'ĂȘtre'

That may be but cometh the hour you'll be panicking because you don't have a script ready where as I have no problems when it comes to ordering classic french cuisine - Goodnight.

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