Sunday, 21 July 2013

There is a Season...


4.32am.

Been tossing and turning since 2.30am, leg playing up and scenarios in my head driving me up the wall. Last straw was hearing dad's voice saying, 'Oh, it's your mum - bless her,' before leaving us for good. I was so convinced the phone would ring to confirm what I already knew I came down to make tea and be ready.

It's starting to get light.

Mel Smith died a couple days ago from a heart attack. He was only 60.

The last time I remember not being able to sleep I was nine months pregnant. Dr Phil and I became good friends. I wonder if he's still going?

4.41am.

Was going to write 'I can't sleep' on Facebook but decided against. It's for the best. Not sure I particularly want to draw the attention of the 'Oh dears' and' What's ups?' especially since I don't know them anymore than they know me. It's not so long since Facebook was unheard of; mobiles too or any connection to the outside world other than a landline. I'll pretend that's still the case and drink my tea here in the quiet world where for now, I am alone.

4.50am.

I wonder if mum knows? If on some higher level of consciousness they are already together. She looked just the same the other day - lying on her side clinging on to this prison we call life. Is she waiting I wonder? Biding her time in the safe knowledge that all will be as ordained.

He blames me.

Says it's all my fault for making jokes about his age and feigning shock when the waitress didn't know which way round the numbered candles should be. I asked her had she seen him? We'd had to resuscitate him twice already and that was before dinner.

'Never I truer word spoken in jest'. He grumbles with a twinkle in his eye.

Our Dad.

Wonderful, clever, gifted grumpy Granddad.

Yes, I see the mischief and play his game. It's who we are. Who we've always been.

5.03am

Tea's gone cold and a fly just buzzed in my ear.

The phone didn't ring.

There is no denying the day now. Yesterday's washing is still flapping on the line. The air was cooler and it never quite dried despite soaring temperatures of previous days and the ones to come, so I left it to the mercy of mother nature.

What else could I do.