Losing your speech will do that to a person.
I have to make a list and then one by one, work through beginning with the least terrifying. For example:
- Speaking to somebody official on the phone.
- Driving a little further than the self-imposed limit of our town.
- Feeling comfortable enough within my own skin to speak coherently and interact at will despite the accent and without apologising.
Within the arena of people I trust, this is fine but strangers bring danger and that ain't rock 'n roll. In fact this is normally where I clam up with nothing going on. I mean Nothing - Kaput - Blank - Zilch - The lights are on but...
- Getting back on a bus.
You get my drift.
The thing is, I don't want to be stuck anymore. I feel as though I've been treading mud for so long but recently the terrain got a tiny bit easier.
A pin prick of light founded in the possibility of having my life back because of the need to be more than this person who hides from the world.
I'm going to give it my best shot. Try, at least to reclaim some of what was lost because there is a particular event on my list which if I find the strength to do, will bring me such creative joy I would gladly accept my lot and move on.
You'll know what it is if I succeed because I'll post it here.