Friday, 22 January 2016

Feeling the Fear.

Before too long I'm going to have to begin the painful journey of facing activities I've thus far avoided doing since the accident. This both fills me with terror and strangely, excitement, as I've pretty much become a hermit in the past eighteen months.

Losing your speech will do that to a person.

I have to make a list and then one by one, work through beginning with the least terrifying. For example:
  • Speaking to somebody official on the phone
  • Hmm...
I have done this one or twice already simply because there was nobody else home to deal with the problem for me and the thing had to get done; but if I can avoid it, I will. Mostly because my confidence and speech deteriorate the moment the other person picks up and that's no fun for me or for them.

  • Driving a little further than the self-imposed limit of our town.
Again, a confidence issue based on what if...?

  • Feeling comfortable enough within my own skin to speak coherently and interact at will despite the accent and without apologising.
Tricky one this.

Within the arena of people I trust, this is fine but strangers bring danger and that ain't rock 'n roll. In fact this is normally where I clam up with nothing going on. I mean Nothing - Kaput - Blank - Zilch - The lights are on but...

  • Getting back on a bus.
No. Nope. Never. Not doing it. I'd rather walk.

You get my drift.

The thing is, I don't want to be stuck anymore. I feel as though I've been treading mud for so long but recently the terrain got a tiny bit easier.

A pin prick of light founded in the possibility of having my life back because of the need to be more than this person who hides from the world.

I'm going to give it my best shot. Try, at least to reclaim some of what was lost because there is a particular event on my list which if I find the strength to do, will bring me such creative joy I would gladly accept my lot and move on.

You'll know what it is if I succeed because I'll post it here.

Sunday, 17 January 2016

The Unknown Muse.

I'm drawn to you in ways you couldn't possibly imagine
Eyes betray secrets of a soul
Long since hidden from public view
But I see you, and
I long for you to see me too.

Did we meet in a previous life - the pull is
Too strong to explain or pretend
Otherwise? Besides,
I sense your spirit connecting with mine
Over insurmountable airwaves of time.

Arresting vision, captivating dream, do not awaken
Then abandon me, remain in my orbit for all
Eternity and thank the stars
Naked ingenuity for the power you possess
In resurrecting a heart long resigned to death.

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Falling in Love Again...

Happy New Year!

I don't know about you but I'm feeling pretty optimistic about 2016. The last 18 months have been tough but now that I have time on my hands I've decided to use it wisely. This is what I've been telling my daughter whenever she catches me watching the same storylines of Holby City involving a certain tall, dark, handsome Mr Oliver Valentine. What a great name that is and my goodness, he wears it well.

Apart from being easy on the eye, it's his storyline I'm interested in. (Oh yes it is!) I've been studying plot and stories, lots of lovely stories involving all kinds of twists and turns. The writers have done their jobs well when it comes to character development, back stories, delaying romantic gratification to a simmer for weeks before the inevitable boil. All the important elements of the Hero's Journey, (see diagram below,) have been observed before he finally gets his girl in the form of the beautiful Zosia March.

You see, I am working. What a bunch of cynics you are.

Feeling invigorated, I've been reading about how we attract a mate, what makes us tick as human beings, how we choose perspective partners, what we do to make it work and why we try to sabotage ourselves just at the crucial point when we're about to get what we want in life. Of course, these points apply to all aspects of life not just romance, so lots to be learned here and contemplated.

That's what I've been doing, contemplating and falling in love with... well, love and the idea of being in love with one's own life. I'd forgotten what that feels like, that sense of wonder and yearning for something more than the everyday. To wake up looking forward rather than feeling stuck in the past, both mentally and metaphysically. I want to gather all this new found energy and channel it into being creative because this is my promise to myself. That no matter what happens this year, I will be creative in my writing, in my love of others and with my life.

I have a twinkle in my eye again -  much to the consternation of my daughter who belies my well meaning attempts to impart wisdom concerning love, life, the universe and all it's wonderful pitfalls.

We must each make our own journey but should I fall back into the trenches... I know who'll I'll be calling on for help.