Friday, 22 January 2016

Feeling the Fear.

Before too long I'm going to have to begin the painful journey of facing activities I've thus far avoided doing since the accident. This both fills me with terror and strangely, excitement, as I've pretty much become a hermit in the past eighteen months.

Losing your speech will do that to a person.

I have to make a list and then one by one, work through beginning with the least terrifying. For example:
  • Speaking to somebody official on the phone
  • Hmm...
I have done this one or twice already simply because there was nobody else home to deal with the problem for me and the thing had to get done; but if I can avoid it, I will. Mostly because my confidence and speech deteriorate the moment the other person picks up and that's no fun for me or for them.

  • Driving a little further than the self-imposed limit of our town.
Again, a confidence issue based on what if...?

  • Feeling comfortable enough within my own skin to speak coherently and interact at will despite the accent and without apologising.
Tricky one this.

Within the arena of people I trust, this is fine but strangers bring danger and that ain't rock 'n roll. In fact this is normally where I clam up with nothing going on. I mean Nothing - Kaput - Blank - Zilch - The lights are on but...

  • Getting back on a bus.
No. Nope. Never. Not doing it. I'd rather walk.

You get my drift.

The thing is, I don't want to be stuck anymore. I feel as though I've been treading mud for so long but recently the terrain got a tiny bit easier.

Teeny.
Tiny.
A pin prick of light founded in the possibility of having my life back because of the need to be more than this person who hides from the world.

I'm going to give it my best shot. Try, at least to reclaim some of what was lost because there is a particular event on my list which if I find the strength to do, will bring me such creative joy I would gladly accept my lot and move on.

You'll know what it is if I succeed because I'll post it here.

2 comments:

  1. Sharing on twitter to show my support!!

    Baby steps are still steps, dear Tracey. :) xx

    ReplyDelete

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